APRIL 1, 2009 (Detroit): Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner spoke before an appreciative audience at a special press conference at the brand-new Rick Wagoner GM Dealership in Detroit this morning. Mr. Geithner said "Washington has heard the concerns of the auto industry and the Obama Administration remains deeply committed to helping the auto industry weather this unprecedented crisis."

Geithner then went on to lay out an innovative plan wherein all bonuses and pay for financial companies would now be paid in autos from the struggling Big Three. "We recognize that the major problem facing the car companies is that too few people are buying cars right now, both due to economic uncertainty and the fact that it's pretty much impossible to get a loan right now, at least until we give the banks another couple hundred billion. That's the beauty of this plan: the Government will buy cars from the Big Three which we will then turn around and give to financial companies, spurring demand and sales of pent-up inventory."

Recently ousted General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner expressed support for the plan and remided everyone to come on down this Saturday & Sunday for their 'Buy one, get one free' Sales Event.

AIG CEO Edward Liddy, reached at his private island fortress, responded "This is an outrage. We're trying to untangle the largest financial mess in history here and now the government is stepping in and trying to tell us how to pay the people who created this mess. Do you have any idea what kind of mind it takes to fritter away $173 billion? There's a lot more coming and can't just pull in any schmuck off the street and expect them to be able to blow it."

The office of Citibank's Vikram Pandit responded that while Pandit was unable to offer comment because he was busy deciding between "the red yacht or the blue one," he did feel that a partial payment in Hummers might be acceptable, especially if they could be charged to Citi's new Ratejacker line of credit cards.

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